Starting school... again...

I have to say that I am excited about starting school.  The new possibilities that may (will) come my way  greatly outnumber the slog that I am going to have to travel through in order to get there. 

I know the road is in uphill climb.  I know that there will be additional obstacles in my way. 

So, what am I to do?  I'm going to reach into the back of my closet and put on the boxing gloves.  I am going to push myself to do my best and remember that the grass will truly be greener on the other side. 

My graduation date is set for August of 2012.  Hopefully the world does not end in December and I will actually have a chance to use the degree that I will graduate with.  It's just an associates, however, it is more than what I had before.  I will have double the power on my resume'.  Experience AND a degree. 

I also received inspiring revelation from one of my favorite authors, Lilith Saintcrow.  Push through to the end of my book.  Even if it turns into crap.  At least at that point I can say that I wrote a novel, although terrible, it is still a novel. 

I do have a bad habit of not finishing things or pursuing something and dropping it due to my inner lack of confidence. 

Well, cheers to me!  New pennies in my loafers for Monday! 

harmonious discontent

For about the millionth time i've attempted to handwrite my journal.  I picked up the pen, started a few words and then set it down again.  I am not sure if it were outside or internal distractions that prevented me from completing what was sure to be an antecdotal memory.

What I do know is that my son is leaving tomorrow.  He is going to live with his father for quite some time.  I am saddened by this.  For the longest time I believed that I was all he needed to become a well-rounded, well-adjusted human being.  I am sure what hurts the most is that I was wrong, however, what hurts the most is that my baby boy, my son will be setting off for a new adventure that I won't be a part of.  He will make memories over the next few months that won't include me.  That brings such pain. 

Instead those memories will include a father that has been absent for most of his life. 

The reasons to why he is leaving will remain private as it is a family matter.  But it is something that I cannot handle by myself.  It took a lot for me to admit that. 

With his father in Georgia and myself here... it has been a long hard road.  My girls seem to be doing okay though.  My oldest will be graduating soon and my youngest has yet to reach that most expressive age of "teen". 

Why?

Just when I think that things are going to be okay, they aren't. 

I know why we have challenges placed in our lives, I just can't handle anymore right now.  I had hope.  I really had hope that things would be okay. 

I have so many things in place right now and the barriers just continue to wall up right in front of me.  I need a sledgehammer of some sort.  I need a break from this.  I need to feel comfortable.

It all started a while ago.  You know, I had the hope that things would be okay.  That I would be able to continue on but you know what.  Nope. 

I just ask why...

hilarity...not really

I am tired of waiting.  That is the truth.  There is too much time spent waiting.

A little lost...

When I look back on my own reflection, at the path I carved behind me, I am reminded of the shadowed memories I've left behind.  I am reminded of the people who spent just a whisper with me.

There are so many times I want to press rewind and live in that moment again.  I want to feel the warmth and happiness that was the moment.  I want to feel the cold and sadness.  I want to feel alive and know that I will have that memory for the rest of my memory. 

I am not sure why I am so reminscent lately.  I believe I just have enough time and enough emotion that invokes these longings. 

I realize that I can't waste anymore time.  I can't waste anytime wondering what would happen, I need to see what can happen.  No more regrets.

on wondering

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth continuing a journal.  I know that I can change the privacy settings and keep those out that I don't wish to read it.  But I also have the journal beside my bed that I attempt to write in every night.

I even have completed hand written journals.  When I worked for AOL, I had full use of the internet.  I could post my blog any moment.  Now, I have to fight with my children just to gain access to the computer.  They need it for school, I need it for thinking and for writing.

It is somehow easier to type than to physically write.  It is somehow easier for the words to flow and for my fingers to not miss a moment of the waterfall of thoughts.  It is somehow easier to take a snapshot in time when I am typing instead of writing.  It is also somehow easier to backspace and erase.  I use a pen in my journal.  I do not wish to erase any thoughts that fall onto the page.  I don't like scribbles.  I think they look out of place and dirty.

Dirty scribbles.  Blotting up the pages of my journals --- no way.  No how.  I need to make a concerted effort to write more freely here.  Not a lot of people pay attention to what I have to say.... that is, not yet. 

Just wait.. Not too much longer....  and yet.. I just erased a free flowing thought.  I am kind of glad there are no pens in cyberspace.

really???

All I have to say is, really??

What else can go wrong?  I am doing everything that I can.  With this latest news that no, I did not get the job with Schools CU, just reaffirms that it is going to be a lot harder than I thought if I do not want to be tied to a phone.

OR, I need to get my butt in gear and finish my book.  I have been dreaming about my characters.  It is like they want to come out.  They need to rip through so that when I am sitting at the computer, instead of facebook, I am in word hammering out their story. 

I want to scream at them sometimes, they think I know where the road is going but they have to tell me.  Give me a hint.

I so did not want to make this a post about my book, but, I guess it needed to be a little about that and less about the craptastic adventure I am going through right now.

I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.