moments

Isn't it amazing when things fall into place?

I love when the road I am on doesn't have a surprise twist or turn that I do not like.  Don't get me wrong, I am always up for some sort of an adventure, but when it comes to planning life or unplanning life, I would rather the twists and turns than the pot hole ruining my tires.

I've had my share of pot holes.  And trust me, no one reaches into their own pocket to have them filled to ensure the smoothness of the road.  I have had to change my tires and keep moving forward regardless of the roads conditions.  Pull up my boot straps and swallow my pill...

...choke on the pill.  But somehow, it goes down.  Stays down.  Well, of course, after I beat it into submission.  Then it stays down.

It is 2 in the morning and I have so many ideas running through my head.

I am trying to find the right song.  The right moment.  The right scene to play out into my head so I can translate it onto the screen.

Moments.

Moments that I alone can translate into written word.  Words that can turn into moments for someone else.

That is a difficult ontaking.  Indeed.

My biggest accomplishment will be knowing that one person can feel from the pages I have written.  That they can see my characters in their minds eye.  They can feel what is going on and for a moment, no matter how brief a moment it is, hold onto it.  Just for a moment.  A breath.

That would be a grand thing.

promises

I used to be excellent with my blogging.  Making an entry, or two, every day.  However, lately I find that pen and paper suit me better.

What comes out, comes out.  Whether it is free flowing as a river or whether my thoughts run into a temporary dam.

Also, I can't backspace or delete.  And.  I am so anal about my journal entries that I dare not scribble through any words. 

They are what they are.  Regardless of a slight misspelling or misplaced punctuation.

It is now after Christmas and before the New Year.  The week of Christmas was stressful, joyful, sinfully delicious and filled with love. 

Not having a job gave me the opportunity to spend time with friends and family that otherwise might have been lost in the shuffle and bustle of the holidays. 

I was able to go shopping for more than an hour.  To browse and be picky.  I haven't had that luxury in such a long time. 

My family received so many gifts this year.  Gifts from the heart.  Gifts from love. 

The year has been a year filled with much emotion.  With much change.  The New Year comes and it is forcing me to reflect back on promises I made myself.  Where I would be. 

It is time to get there.

medicated

I can't even begin to describe how I feel.

It is as if I am in a waking dream. Every moment as it passes is almost forgotten. It is as though the Gabapentin blocks reality. My past, present and future molded into one living breath.

Before this week, I had break-through pain as often as the wind blows. This week, it is less frequent. However...

On just the pain medication I could live my life. I could take care of my children the way a mother should. Instead I am now a comatose shell of what once was. This is why I didn't take the medication before.  This is why I dealt with the break-through pain more easily.

This...this that I am living with is unlivable. I would rather be dead. I am already dead inside. **edit -- this does not mean that I want to kill myself -- it relates to feeling only**
Just empty.

If I could get used to this, things would be okay. 

We actually had a family moment watching movies.  It was fun and laughter.  I know that those things are possible.  As long as I am occupied, I can be okay.  But then, I stand up and reality comes crashing down. 

Its like walking through jello.  Each step harder than the last - moving along slowly against an invisible force. 

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.  I am useless.

fearless

On the way to pick Illeana up from school, I was at the stop light crossing Walerga and Don Julio.  There is a church on the corner with a  lovely little hill of grass.  The elementary school released their children and I noticed 3 kids take off their back packs.  They started spinning and then started to roll down the hill.

Just that image alone brought a smile to my face.  I remember those days!  I miss spinning for no reason.  I miss rolling down a hill.

Although, if I tried to do those now I probably would break a hip.  *snort*

It was a sight.  Even the truck next to me was a little laggy when the light turned green. 

I remembered that I was fearless once.  Climbining on rooftops, scoping old buildings, unafraid. 

disassociated

So weird...

I never thought that I would be unemployed again.  The last time I was unemployed it only took two months to find a job.  It has now been 3 months.  I am not worried yet.  Yet...

So, what do I do?  I participate in NaNoWriMo, procrastinate, continue writing one of the novel's I want published and become depressed.

Oh, being depressed isn't that bad.  You sleep, cry, eat...  oh yes, you eat.  I discontinued purchasing snack items from the store lest I devour them all in a fit of stuffing my face out of boredom.  There is only so much that one can do in their own house before it gets boring.

I was going to organize a lot more than I have, however, the motivation to do so is nowhere to be found.  I haven't plucked my eyebrows in a month.  For a woman, that is a very long time.  No unibrow....yet...

I wanted to reinvent myself, start over, find the perfect job and be happy, publish my book and be worry free...  All the wants went out the window.  Now it is the need! 

The hour of need.  I need to get up every morning.  I need to take a shower every day.  I need to NOT eat that donut for breakfast.  I need to clean my house.  I need to just make my bed.  I need to get on the internet and find a job.  I need someone to call me and give me an interview.  I need to take care of my family. 

Every day is a repetition of the last.  I think I have started to dissasociate myself with the things I loved to do.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself withdrawing into myself little by little.  Lost in my own thoughts.  Lost in my own daydream.