medicated

I can't even begin to describe how I feel.

It is as if I am in a waking dream. Every moment as it passes is almost forgotten. It is as though the Gabapentin blocks reality. My past, present and future molded into one living breath.

Before this week, I had break-through pain as often as the wind blows. This week, it is less frequent. However...

On just the pain medication I could live my life. I could take care of my children the way a mother should. Instead I am now a comatose shell of what once was. This is why I didn't take the medication before.  This is why I dealt with the break-through pain more easily.

This...this that I am living with is unlivable. I would rather be dead. I am already dead inside. **edit -- this does not mean that I want to kill myself -- it relates to feeling only**
Just empty.

If I could get used to this, things would be okay. 

We actually had a family moment watching movies.  It was fun and laughter.  I know that those things are possible.  As long as I am occupied, I can be okay.  But then, I stand up and reality comes crashing down. 

Its like walking through jello.  Each step harder than the last - moving along slowly against an invisible force. 

I just don't know how much more of this I can take.  I am useless.