Why?

Just when I think that things are going to be okay, they aren't. 

I know why we have challenges placed in our lives, I just can't handle anymore right now.  I had hope.  I really had hope that things would be okay. 

I have so many things in place right now and the barriers just continue to wall up right in front of me.  I need a sledgehammer of some sort.  I need a break from this.  I need to feel comfortable.

It all started a while ago.  You know, I had the hope that things would be okay.  That I would be able to continue on but you know what.  Nope. 

I just ask why...

hilarity...not really

I am tired of waiting.  That is the truth.  There is too much time spent waiting.

A little lost...

When I look back on my own reflection, at the path I carved behind me, I am reminded of the shadowed memories I've left behind.  I am reminded of the people who spent just a whisper with me.

There are so many times I want to press rewind and live in that moment again.  I want to feel the warmth and happiness that was the moment.  I want to feel the cold and sadness.  I want to feel alive and know that I will have that memory for the rest of my memory. 

I am not sure why I am so reminscent lately.  I believe I just have enough time and enough emotion that invokes these longings. 

I realize that I can't waste anymore time.  I can't waste anytime wondering what would happen, I need to see what can happen.  No more regrets.

on wondering

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth continuing a journal.  I know that I can change the privacy settings and keep those out that I don't wish to read it.  But I also have the journal beside my bed that I attempt to write in every night.

I even have completed hand written journals.  When I worked for AOL, I had full use of the internet.  I could post my blog any moment.  Now, I have to fight with my children just to gain access to the computer.  They need it for school, I need it for thinking and for writing.

It is somehow easier to type than to physically write.  It is somehow easier for the words to flow and for my fingers to not miss a moment of the waterfall of thoughts.  It is somehow easier to take a snapshot in time when I am typing instead of writing.  It is also somehow easier to backspace and erase.  I use a pen in my journal.  I do not wish to erase any thoughts that fall onto the page.  I don't like scribbles.  I think they look out of place and dirty.

Dirty scribbles.  Blotting up the pages of my journals --- no way.  No how.  I need to make a concerted effort to write more freely here.  Not a lot of people pay attention to what I have to say.... that is, not yet. 

Just wait.. Not too much longer....  and yet.. I just erased a free flowing thought.  I am kind of glad there are no pens in cyberspace.